


The things you never want to lose

by megyal



Category: -fic:fest - Fandom, Naruto, kakashi/iruka - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 08:29:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's forgotten everything he needs to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The things you never want to lose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tucuxi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tucuxi/gifts).



> **Notes:** Written for [](http://tucuxi.livejournal.com/profile)[**tucuxi**](http://tucuxi.livejournal.com/) for the 2011 Winter Round of [](http://smut-fest.livejournal.com/profile)[**kakairu-fest**](http://smut-fest.livejournal.com/). Mostly based on [this prompt](http://kakairu-kink.livejournal.com/704.html?thread=616128#t616128), which had been part of the request. Thanks to [](http://txilar.livejournal.com/profile)[**txilar**](http://txilar.livejournal.com/) for the beta!

The first thing he saw when his mind swam out of a thick and soupy darkness was a massive cleavage. The person to whom this cleavage belonged was yelling, and he winced as her voice pounded his eardrums.

"It's about time!" the woman snapped. "Careless brat!"

"Sorry," he croaked out automatically.

"Damn right you're sorry! You nearly _died_ this time, but you always bring yourself to the very brink, don't you? You never think before you act--or do you think too much? In any case, one day I'm going to rip that stupid eye out of your _head_ \--"

"Excuse me," he interrupted, keeping his voice very light, trying to fight down the confusion and panic and...well, succeeding far better than he expected, considering his worrying mental state. "Could you tell me something? A few things, actually."

"What?" The person speaking was a beautiful blonde woman with a small gem-shaped object in the middle of her forehead, and lovely brown eyes. Well, they were probably lovely on other occasions. Right now they were glaring at him, and they were quite frightening. "What the hell do you want to know, Kakashi?"

"Well, that answers one question," he said, trying to sit up. The sheets of the bed he was in were pulled up to cover the lower half of his face, and he grabbed at the end of them, not wanting them to slide down for some reason. The blonde woman put her hands on his shoulders and shoved him back down.

"Lie down! Keep still!" she bellowed, quite unnecessarily, in his opinion. "And what are you talking about?"

He found that he had one eye tightly closed and blinked it open. He closed it again almost immediately. Something was obviously wrong with it, because it viewed the world through what seemed to be a red and twisting curtain; it tugged, painfully and insistently, at something essential in his core.

"Well," he continued, quite pleasantly. It was actually amazing how he was keeping the panic at bay, but he was doing it. "My name is Kakashi, I suppose...but that's all I really know."

The woman stared at him.

"Right," he went on. "I really have no idea who I am. Maybe you can help me with that."

The woman kept on staring and then reached out a trembling hand. He thought she was going to touch his face tenderly, but then she bonked him on the head with a strong fist.

"Ouch!" He rubbed his head. "Why did you do that?"

"Stop playing around, brat," she growled at him. "I have no time for your games."

"I'm not playing around." He frowned back at her. "I don't know who I am, who _you_ are or where I am. Frankly, it's freaking me out, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop abusing me, thanks."

"Jōnin Hatake," the woman said dangerously. "Name, rank and last mission."

 _Jōnin Hatake_? He thought, but answered, "Not completely sure, I don't know and I _really_ don't know."

Her smooth face gained a haunted expression.

"What is your father's name?"

"I don't know."

"Who was the Hokage before me?"

"I don't know. What's a Hokage?"

"Oh shit," she said, very quietly and he stared at her. Her mouth twisted. "Maybe I shouldn't have hit you in the head, then."

"Do you really think so?" he said with gentle mockery, and he found enough strength to smile.

-|-

 _Kakashi. Hatake._ He rolled the names around his head, saying them out loud now and again, but his mind seemed to consider them awkwardly, like an ill-made suit of clothing. He didn't even feel like a Kakashi. He felt more like a Takumi. Or a Masoto. Did Takumis or Masotos need to wear cloths slanted across the left side of their face, to cover an eye of intense power? He didn't know.

"Kakashi?"

He turned away from the window, not because the name felt familiar, but just because he was the only one inside this room who might be the person being addressed. The yelling woman was back, and a young man with dark hair stood beside her, watching Kakashi with a blank expression.

"So," the woman, Tsunade-hime, said. "The results are back from the Yamanaka clan. Your memories are in there, somewhere."

"That's good to know," Kakashi said, pleasantly. It really _was_ good to know, for the mind-probes by a tall, blond man had been exceedingly invasive.

"But you've sealed them away yourself. Your entire life is locked behind mental gates so impressive that Yamanaka Inoichi is beside himself with pride." She squinted accusingly at Kakashi, who decided that this was probably her default expression. "He was the one who taught you those self-sealings, of course."

"Of course," Kakashi echoed.

"Or you stole them from him, which is basically the same thing."

"Of course," Kakashi repeated, and then thought for a beat. "Wait, am I known as a thief? Generally?"

"Oh, yes," Tsunade-hime said, just as the young man beside her said, "No, no." Kakashi and Tsunade-hime looked at him, and he flushed, lightly. Kakashi thought he had a nice face, pleasant in an easygoing way.

" _Anyway,_ " Tsunade said, dragging her way through the syllables of the word. "We know that you were under attack before you transported yourself to the gates. Someone apparently tried to rifle through your mind for all the juicy info that the Copynin might possess."

"Who's that?" Kakashi asked and then nodded to himself. "Right, that's me. The Copynin."

"You'll have to present yourself to Inoichi for your mental therapy for a few days at the most, so he can assist you with unpacking your memories," Tsunade told him.

"That sounds really hard," Kakashi mused.

Tsunade's smile was grim. "Oh, it is. In the meantime," and here, she turned towards the young man, who stepped forward, "Yamato is on a mission. So I have the next best person for you in your time of reassimilation, especially now that the Academy is on its long-break."

Kakashi shrugged, not knowing who this Yamato might be. He nodded at the man, who presented him a deep, respectful bow.

"I'll do my best to assist you, Kakashi-san," he murmured.

"Why all the formality?" Tsunade-hime exclaimed, actually giving the man a friendly whack on the shoulder with the flat of her palm. "I thought you two were friends, Iruka-sensei!"

Iruka-sensei's eyelids fluttered in an interesting manner; it was a quick movement, but Kakashi tracked it all the same, tilting his head curiously.

"We're friends," Iruka-sensei said, and smiled. Kakashi smiled back; it was hard not to, this Iruka-sensei had a nice smile, even though it seemed a little tight at the moment. "I'll be glad to help Kakashi in any way."

"Wonderful," Tsunade said. "Now get him out of my hospital. He's perfectly healthy otherwise, and he's scaring the other patients."

-|-

"How were you scaring the other patients?" Iruka-sensei asked as Kakashi got dressed behind a curtain. There were a lot of little odd accouterments, such as strips of narrow white cloth that he was supposed to wind around his legs and thighs, from what he observed on Iruka-sensei. He left those off; they seemed too troublesome to wrap right now. There was a pouch with sharp weaponry tucked neatly inside, and his dark shirt had an extra flap of material around the neck. Fingerless gloves, a heavy flak-jacket and sandals completed the whole get-up, but Kakashi stuffed the gloves into the pocket of the jacket, slipped on the sandals carefully and stepped out from behind the curtain, the pouch tucked loosely in the crook of one elbow.

"Apparently, cheerful singing is banned in hospitals," Kakashi said in a mock-grumble. "You _would_ think that this is the place that needs the most out of a good song, but that's not the case, Iku-sensei."

" _Iruka_ ," the other man corrected without a hint of chagrin, and then looked at Kakashi's face for a very long time before speaking. "Usually, you put your mask up. By 'usually', I mean 'all the time'. And why were you singing?"

"I think I like it?" Kakashi tried to peer down at the folds of extra cloth which was apparently used to hide his face. "Why do I wear the mask?"

"Because you like being mysterious," Iruka answered, and shrugged when Kakashi stared at him in disbelief. "I don't know. You've never said why."

"Oh."

"The singing thing is new, though. You aren't the singing type." Iruka stepped forward, hands out and palms open. Kakashi watched him approach with interest, until Iruka was standing very close to him. "Shall I?"

"Shall you what?"

"The mask," Iruka said, sounding as if he was suppressing laughter. "Kakashi, when you get back your memories, you won't be so happy with me if I let you walk around outside without your mask up."

"Am I usually happy with you?" Kakashi joked, but Iruka's smile faltered a little before it came back at full-strength. He didn't answer, but reached up in a slow, calming manner, and tugged the surplus material over Kakashi's nose, smoothing it flat.

"Do you remember anything about your last mission?" Iruka asked, in a whisper. "Anything at all?"

"No," Kakashi whispered back, noting the worried crease between Iruka's dark eyebrows.

"Right, why should you," Iruka murmured, but he seemed to be talking mostly to himself. "After you left...I found out that it was a very dangerous assignment. That the chances of you returning alive were low."

Kakashi blinked at him. "And I _still_ left?!"

Iruka-sensei laughed. "That's the kind of shinobi you are. Selfless and brave. Dedicated to your village." He bit his lower lip as if there was more that needed to be said, but he would not allow himself to go on.

Kakashi stared at his face for a long time. Iruka-sensei stared back at him and there was something deeply intense in his gaze that seemed to reach out to Kakashi, to _ask_ something of him, something so very important. Entranced, Kakashi tried to read this message, but Iruka let his eyelids fall, obscuring the sweet brown of his eyes. He reached out again, and tugged the gloves out of Kakashi's flak-jacket.

"Put these on," he said, softly. "You just aren't you without them."

-|-

Kakashi wondered if he was the kind of person given to fits of deep suspicion regarding other people, particularly those who were supposed to be his friends. He found himself glancing at Iruka now and again as they walked. Iruka had placed himself on Kakashi's blind-side, which Kakashi had thought odd until he figured out that Iruka was a fighter, like _he_ was purported to be. If a fellow fighter was incapacitated in some way, then it made sense to be where they needed the most help. At least, it made sense to Kakashi. He wasn't quite sure what to do if someone attacked him from his left side.

It was easy to turn his head a little to consider the man walking serenely beside him with his right eye. Iruka was slightly shorter than himself, but Kakashi found that because he slouched as he walked, they appeared to be the same height. Why did he slouch? No idea, but it felt right. Iruka apparently chose to walk on secluded side-streets, but a few villagers waved at him as they walked. They gave Kakashi quick nods and fleeting smiles, but even he could see that they were not as familiar with him as they were with Iruka. _Iruka-sensei_ , they said with warm pleasure; _Kakashi-san_ , they called him, but their voices around that name were filled with an awed respect. What kind of person was he to induce that kind of reaction?

"It's alright," Iruka said as they turned onto a narrow street, where there were more people dressed like them, in the flak-jackets and dark uniforms, than normal-looking villagers. "To them, you're kind of a legend, really."

Kakashi said, "Legends are usually dead," in a dry manner. He wondered how Iruka had noticed his mental meanderings.

"And yet, here you stand." Iruka stopped in front of a tall building. "A beloved anomaly."

 _Beloved to who_? Kakashi wondered. Iruka inclined his head in the direction of the building.

"This is where you live. Block C, Boar Quarters. Fifth floor."

"Block C, Boar Quarters," Kakashi parroted obediently. "Fifth floor."

Iruka grinned. The corners of his eyes crinkled and the overall effect was one of repressed impishness. In that moment, he looked like the kind of person who would spend hours thinking up a good practical joke, and again Kakashi found himself wondering.

"Well, let's go." Iruka entered the building and Kakashi followed him into a clean, if plain foyer, before turning to climb a wide set of stairs. They emerged onto the quiet fifth floor, and when they walked past the first door, Kakashi flinched away. He had felt something brush directly against the skin of his arm, as if an insect had made its way under his sleeve.

Iruka stopped and looked at him, nodding in a comforting manner. "That's just a layer of guardian-chakra, left behind in case someone tries to break into that apartment. It's okay, you have them too. Paranoia is the name of the game in any shinobi block."

"Felt weird," Kakashi said, and frowned a little. "Like when we were walking over here. I had the feeling that someone was watching us."

Iruka's face lit up and Kakashi gazed at the way his eyes sparkled.

"Good!" Iruka exclaimed and Kakashi could see the enthusiasm that made him a _sensei_ worth greeting in the streets. "Excellent, you sensed a few of the bodyguards Tsunade-sama set for you."

Kakashi frowned, confused. "Why? I already have you with me." He watched with some interest as Iruka's cheeks flushed. "Besides, who am I to require special, uh, _bodyguarding_?"

Iruka shook his head, but simply said, "Trust me, you're special," before he turned away and walked away quickly. He stopped in front of a door, the air around which seemed to fairly pulse with prickly guardian-chakra. Kakashi currently had a very vague understanding of what chakra might be, but right now it seemed as if something that would damage him thoroughly if given the slightest chance.

"Just stand still," Iruka muttered. "They know you. You made them, after all."

The guardian-chakra lashed out, and coiled, unseen, at the top of Kakashi's head. He could feel the dangerous weight of them there, like a somnolent snake. Then, they seemed as if they melted down over his brow, down his cheeks and over his shoulders, coating his entire body in a warm layer that sank deep into his skin. He exhaled slowly and turned his head to look at Iruka, who was watching him with amused eyes.

"A bit creepy, isn't it?" he asked, as the last of the guardian-chakra seeped into Kakashi's core and nestled there, comfortably. The door clicked open of its own accord. "I keep telling you to change it, but you never listen."'

"Did you feel it too?"

Iruka rolled his eyes, but it was a rather friendly expression. "Of course I feel it. Every time I come over here, it's the same thing, but you think it's funny." He waved a hand over his head, apparently shooing away the now-quiescent chakra, and stepped into Kakashi's apartment as if he lived there himself.

Kakashi stood outside, strangely hesitant. This was his place, his _space_. Iruka said so. Suddenly, he wondered if this was all a trick; was he really Hatake Kakashi? Was this man really his friend?

Then, Iruka turned around and motioned to him, a little impatiently. "What are you doing out there? Come inside."

Kakashi stepped in.

-|-

"I tried tidying up a bit," Iruka said as he went from one corner to another, pushing objects unnecessarily into place. As far as Kakashi could see, while he toed off his sandals beside Iruka's in the small entry, the single-room apartment was very neat, almost spartan. A short bookshelf separated the sleeping area from the living, kitchen and dining space, and there was another door leading to what Kakashi presumed was the bathroom.

Iruka was grinning, but there seemed to be a nervous angle to his lips. "So. I'm...going to get something for you to eat. The ANBU, those are the bodyguards, they're right outside. I'll be right back."

"That's fine," Kakashi said, stepping up into the living area and peering around the unfamiliar space. He could see some photographs on the wide headboard of the bed, but he could inspect those later. "But could you tell me one thing?"

"Go ahead," Iruka invited, striding forward.

"Are you my boyfriend?"

Iruka halted so abruptly that he nearly fell over. He swayed in place and then seemed to just _stop_ all over: his expression seemed fixed, his limbs were frozen...even his ponytail seemed completely stilled. Then, he visibly relaxed, as if forced to do so and then gave Kakashi a quick smile.

"That's a very interesting question."

"That's a very interesting answer," Kakashi observed, hooking his thumbs in the pockets of his trousers. "In that it's not really an answer at all."

Iruka smiled brilliantly, and edged around Kakashi in an obvious attempt to escape. "I--"

"Are you more comfortable with the word 'lover'?" Kakashi asked, and then shook his head at himself. "I'm sorry, I'm being callous, aren't I? It must be hard for you, since I can't remember anything at all about us."

Iruka paused again, and gave Kakashi a wide-eyed stare. "Kakashi," he said, in an admirably steady voice. "How, by chance, would you come to a conclusion like that?"

Kakashi shrugged. "You seem...familiar with me. You know a lot about me, and we're comfortable with each other. It feels right."

Iruka looked as if he was doing a lot of internal arguing with himself. Then, he said, "I'll be back with the food," and strode out quickly.

-|-

When Iruka came back with the food, he didn't come inside. He stood at the door, thrust a large bag into Kakashi's hands and muttered something about coming to fetch Kakashi the next day for his mind-session with the Yamanaka clan, and how the ANBU were watching over him, no worries. He left before Kakashi could get in a word, edgewise.

Possibly this village was deeply homophobic, Kakashi mused as he took the bag of food to the small kitchen and began to unpack it. They could be in a secret relationship. They could be stealing kisses within the shadows of secret corners, or sitting close to each other in meetings, or exchanging heated looks across crowds. Kakashi shook his head at himself and gazed at the boxes of food.

Hopefully, Iruka wasn't attempting to kill him.

-|-

"Hi," Iruka said when Kakashi opened the door the next afternoon. He considered Kakashi's attire for a long, silent minute; Kakashi used that time to smooth down his mask and check his eye-patch. "What are you wearing?"

"Clothes," Kakashi said, looking down at his simple, formal _hakama_ ; he had found it in the bottom of a small trunk with other clothing. His small closet had been full of those dark uniforms. "Do I look stupid?"

"You look good." Iruka looked right into his eye. "I've never seen you dressed like this before. It's nice."

"Don't I take you out for dinner sometimes?" Kakashi smiled underneath his mask at how Iruka blinked at him. "Any place fancy?"

"No," Iruka said, and took a step back, as if he didn't want to be too close to Kakashi. Then, he visibly reined himself in, and offered Kakashi a tight smile. "I'm sorry. I just--"

"I think I understand," Kakashi said, as gently as he dared. Was he a gentle person? Did he treat Iruka gently? He wanted to, now. He felt like it. "Like I said before, it must be hard for you."

"Kakashi, you--" Iruka broke off, and actually pressed the heel of one palm against his temple, looking lost. Then his expression, beautifully expressive in his apparent anguish, closed in on itself. "Kakashi-san, it's not as hard as you think it might be."

Without thought, Kakashi reached out and took Iruka's warm hand, holding it loosely in his. It felt strange and nice at the same time, to be holding another person's hand, never mind that it was another man. Iruka looked at their joined hands, how Kakashi's pale fingers closed around his; he gave Kakashi's fingers a quick squeeze, and then pulled his hand away.

"Yamanaka-san is waiting," he said.

Once again, he walked on Kakashi's blind-side, and they made their way out of the apartment blocks. Iruka walked quickly, with long, confident strides, but Kakashi kept up quite easily. Again, Iruka took secluded paths, and about fifteen minutes later, they stopped in front of a low building, almost completely hidden behind a row of trees.

"Yamanaka-san asked us to meet him here for your sessions." Iruka stopped in front of the narrow entry-gate. "This is the T&I Division. Torture and Interrogation, that is."

"Torture," Kakashi inquired flatly, following Iruka as he passed through the tall stone gate-posts. Iruka flung an amused look over his shoulder.

"One of your favourite haunts, I must add," he said.

"How morbid of me," Kakashi answered, and smiled behind his mask. Iruka's grin was quick and bright. On the front facade of the low building, a wide door painted a dark green shade was pushed open, and the blond man who had done the previous mind-probe stood there, watching their approach with pale eyes. This man nodded at Kakashi in a curt manner as they stood at the bottom of the steps, but when he glanced at Iruka, his eyes glinted with sly delight.

"Hello, Iruka-sensei," he said, almost _purred_ in a low, deep voice. Kakashi glanced at Iruka, raising one eyebrow at what appeared to be a faint blush dusting Iruka's cheekbones.

"Hello, Yamanaka-san," Iruka answered, smiling in an open, friendly manner. Kakashi suppressed the strange urge to scowl. "Thank you so much for assisting Kakashi-san in this manner."

"It is always my pleasure to assist my fellow shinobi," Yamanaka-san said, "especially when such a heartfelt request comes from our favourite sensei."

Iruka let out a quick, low chuckle and the sound of it skittered against Kakashi's skin, coaxing a rash of goose-bumps in its wake. Yamanaka-san finally focused his attention on Kakashi.

"Inoichi," Kakashi said, deliberately leaving off any honorific.

"Kakashi," Inoichi acknowledged, and then abruptly turned on his heel, causing the hem of his long dark cloak to flutter around most impressively. Iruka and Kakashi followed him down a shadowed corridor, and descended a long staircase into a room that was sunken so far down, that the ceiling appeared very high. A bright spotlight illuminated a simple chair, and Inoichi indicated that Kakashi should sit down.

"It's alright," Iruka said when Kakashi hesitated.

"Don't leave," Kakashi said to him, more of a statement than a request. Iruka nodded, and Kakashi sat down, gripping the armrests tightly while _not_ blinking against the brightness of the light. He couldn't make out anything else; once the curtains of light surrounded him, everything else within the shadows seemed to cease existing. Yet, he could sense the presence of the other two men, and did not flinch when a pale hand seemed to come out of nowhere to rest lightly on his brow.

"Relax," Inoichi Yamanaka intoned. A ghostly pressure, more of a psychic impression than any sensation on the physical plane, imposed itself on Kakashi's consciousness; for some reason, he balked against it, tensing and throwing up mental defences of which he had not been aware.

"Kakashi," Inoichi said in a mixture of exasperation and grudging admiration. "If you don't let me in to help you, then you won't be able to take down your own blocks. Once one is taken down, the others may be revealed on their own."

Kakashi set his jaw, feeling intensely stubborn for a moment, and then another hand reached out into the light. This hand, darker in tone with long, strong fingers, touched Kakashi's closest wrist, lightly. Kakashi relaxed, and the mental pressure decreased before something slender and sharp slipped in between Kakashi's eyebrows, and delved into his mind.

He was two years old, and he remembered his mother. He sat in her lap, and smelled the dark fall of her hair, and laughed as she tickled him. She had a soft laugh.

He saw her lying down on the low bed, her hands folded over her breast, her face covered by a red cloth. Her hands were so still; so pale. A long, curved sword lay by her side.

Someone pried his tiny hands away from where they clutched the sleeve of her uniform; he was lifted into the air, his face tucked into a strong neck.

"Kakashi," his father said, as soft as his mother's laugh used to be. "I understand. I am sad too."

He wrapped his small arms around his father's neck, and cried, because they were both so very unhappy without her.

"Good, you placed the oldest memories around the newer ones for protection," Inoichi said as Kakashi clawed his way out of that layer of memory. "Excellent execution of Omoikane's Wise Shield: Mind Barrier Technique."

"Yes," Kakashi said, and wiped at his face with his fingertips. He was surprised to find it dry, and he felt the corners of his lips turn down under his mask. "I want to go home."

The spotlight went out abruptly, and a more diffuse light seeped into the large space. Kakashi stood up, holding out his hand to Iruka; when Iruka hesitated, Kakashi flapped his hand impatiently.

"This is one effect of unravelling the Wise Shield," he heard Inoichi say as Iruka took his hand in a bemused manner. "He might act the age of the latest revealed memory."

"That's kind of disturbing," Iruka said. Kakashi dragged him up the stairs and down the corridor. "Oh, we'll see you tomorrow, Yamanaka-san."

"It will be my utmost pleasure to see you once more, Iruka-sensei," Inoichi called out and Kakashi just dragged Iruka faster. He knew his way home perfectly by now; as a child, one of his quickest developed talents was to recall paths even if he travelled them but once. He stomped his way home through the cool dusk, wilfully ignoring the surprised greetings of the villagers and other shinobi, and yanked Iruka inside his living space as soon as the guardian-chakra identified them.

"Kakashi!" Iruka said breathlessly, sounding as if he was gearing up for a scold. He inhaled deeply, and then had to let it all out in a quick whoosh, for Kakashi hugged him tightly, placing his face in the crook of Iruka's neck. He smelled faintly of sweat, and washing powder and ink.

Iruka petted the back of his head in a gingerly fashion. "Kakashi?"

"Please stay with me tonight," Kakashi asked, his breath puffing over Iruka's skin. Iruka shivered. "I don't want to be by myself. It's lonely here without my....my mother. Where's my father? Is he gone on a mission?"

Iruka's hand paused in Kakashi's hair. "Yes. He's gone," he said. "And if you need me to stay, I will."

Kakashi nodded quickly, and he didn't want to let Iruka go. They would wait for his father together.

-|-

Kakashi woke up in Iruka's arms. They were still fully dressed, lying atop Kakashi's patterned bed-covers. It was now fully dark, and a little chilly, with that silvery tinge that hints at moonlight. He could hear the soft conversations of people in surrounding buildings, the night-calls of insects and animals, clattering movement of carts along the streets below. Everything seemed very far away, and Iruka's breathing was a steady comfort.

Kakashi shifted, and Iruka's arms tightened around him. Kakashi stilled, and smiled; his father might like Iruka.

Might like... _would have_ liked. Another layer of memories heated and then cooled, spreading out along the crevices of his thoughts. Kakashi remembered, his entire body went rigid.

"Kakashi?" Iruka's voice was as smooth as if he hadn't been asleep at all, and Kakashi tried to relax, but the sharp thoughts of his father prickled in his mind.

"My father is really _gone_ , isn't he?" It was so painful to remember, but the edge of the memory did not slice as much as he think it should have. Possibly, he had years to live with it, and so the impact was not as terrible.

Iruka moved, wriggling up so that his back rested against the headboard of Kakashi's bed. Kakashi remained where he was, so that his head rested on Iruka's closest hip.

"You remember."

"I remember he killed himself. Out of shame."

Iruka made a sharp sound, tinged with dismay and disappointment. "Your father was a good man, and a great shinobi. You..." he touched the side of Kakashi's head. "You must know this. How very like him you are."

Kakashi moved his head away, not wanting Iruka to touch him right now. He didn't _want_ to look like his stupid, cowardly father. He never wanted to hear another person say _how very like him you are_. He was glad he had on his mask, so that he wouldn't have to see the light of recognition in people's eyes, nor comprehend their disgust and mockery.

He sighed and was still enough so that Iruka's hand could rest on his hair again. This was indescribably tiring; he knew he was an adult, with a lifetime of recollections, but right now he felt like a sullen child.

"Inoichi seems to like you," he commented, trying to move his mind away from the last image he recalled of his father alive, that of the White Fang walking away from his son and into the mist, broad shoulders slumped in defeat.

Iruka laughed, the sound silken in the dark. "Oh, he's just kind to me because I've taught his daughter."

Kakashi mock-pouted, knowing that Iruka would sense it, somehow. "Kind? He flirted with you. And you blushed."

This time, Iruka's laughter seemed slightly embarrassed. "He does not! Well...maybe a little. But Yamanaka-san is like that with almost everyone."

"No, he isn't," Kakashi said, not sure from where this certainty emerged. "He likes you a lot."

Iruka cleared his throat. "I _did_ have a crush on him when I was younger. I told you!" He accused, when Kakashi raised his head and gave him an incredulous stare. It was still mostly dark around them, but Kakashi's vision had adjusted itself accordingly, and he could see the way Iruka wrinkled his nose. "Well, you don't remember _now_ , but I did tell you."

"Was I ever jealous of him?" Kakashi asked, really eager to know. "I mean, as your lover, these things should bother me."

Iruka turned his head away, apparently considering the wall next to Kakashi's bed. Finally, he said, "Things like that don't bother you, usually," in a very slow manner.

"Well, it bothers me _now_." Kakashi sniffed and snuggled against Iruka's side like a spoilt cat. He liked snuggling, he found. He liked snuggling with Iruka. "Don't flirt with him. He's cocky and a damned know-it-all."

"Oh really? Sounds like someone I know," Iruka teased, and touched Kakashi's head again; Kakashi reveled in it. Iruka's touch felt so right and good at this moment, a wanted pressure against his hair and cheek, on the lobe of ear. He wondered if their first kiss had been gentle and sweet, or hard and demanding.

He found he couldn't wait to remember.

-|-

"You're back, Kakashi. How nice to see you here again." Inoich's smile was slightly mocking as he inclined his head towards Kakashi at their next afternoon session. Kakashi was dressed in another elaborate _hakama_ , and in the gloom of the interrogation-room, Iruka stood beside him in his working gear. Even though the majority of the Academy was on the long-break, Iruka still held short classes for a small group of students who needed some sort of catching up. At this moment, Iruka gave off a slightly tired, withdrawn air, and Kakashi brushed the back of his hand against Iruka's, wanting to give some kind of support.

"And you, Iruka-sensei." Inoichi raised his hands in Iruka's direction, palms up in welcome. "As marvellous as always to be in your presence."

"Yamanaka-san," Iruka answered, smiling. "Your praise is too much for me."

"Oh, _please_ ," Kakashi grumbled behind his mask, and rolled his exposed eye. "I don't suppose we can get through the rest of my memories at some point today?"

"Of course." Inoichi pointed to Kakashi's chair. "Sit."

Kakashi pressed his lips tightly together, but did as he was told. He held out his hand in Iruka's direction, and relaxed as soon as he felt the warm palm against his. Kakashi didn't fight too much this time, as Inoichi's finger pressed against his forehead, and that invasive jutsu twisted into his mind.

A boy who cried when he didn't have to, and a girl who didn't cry much. A _sensei_ , his _sensei,_ bright and calm at the same time, powerful and fast, oh so _fast_. Minato-sensei moved like light across a pond, jumping from ripple to ripple with so little effort.

A boy who cried, but Obito was selfless enough to give Kakashi the precious Sharingan, so that it could remember all those _jutsu_ for Kakashi; a girl who didn't cry much, but Rin's handiwork was so neat that the eye was as much a part of Kakashi as his own arm and leg, despite the immense load it placed on his chakra.

A boy, a girl, a man....and then, a massive, roaring fox.

A woman...and a baby.

"Minato-sensei's son," Kakashi breathed as he hauled himself out of this set of memories. "The boy." Then he frowned. "Minato-sensei's son lives."

"Yes, he lives. How was this session?" Iruka was on one knee in front of Kakashi, looking up into his face with some level of expectation. Inoichi remained in the shadows, and Kakashi noted his presence in the back of his mind, triangulating his position with talented and well-trained ease.

Looking down into Iruka's face, Kakashi felt other teenaged memories cascade around in his mind. There were so many things he recalled, battles he had won and jutsu he had recorded, people who had died around him and those who still walked this good earth...but there still seemed to be no concrete memory of the calm man kneeling in front of him.

"You still don't remember me, I suppose," Iruka said, and he didn't sound very sad; just very matter-of-fact. "I guess those memories are amongst the more recent ones."

"I'm sorry about that," Kakashi told him as they both rose to their feet, the ambient light rising with them. He did feel rather sorry. There was so much that he wanted to know about Iruka, so much he felt he should know but didn't. Iruka gave him a small smile.

"Don't be. It'll all return in soon. As early as tomorrow, Yamanaka-san says." Iruka's gaze flickered away from his, and Kakashi watched with some annoyance he exchanged friendly nods with Inoichi. "Right, Yamanaka-san?"

Inoichi simply arched a slender eyebrow in their direction as a response. Kakashi eyed him sidelong, and Inoichi's expression was a study in amusement.

"I remember how much Inoichi annoys me," he murmured to Iruka as they emerged from the short building. Iruka snorted out in amusement, but stopped short when Kakashi asked, curiously, "What do we do for dates?"

"What?" Iruka looked around as if someone was close enough to hear them. "Oh...we don't do dates."

"Never?"

Iruka didn't look in his direction as they walked. "No. Never. Not...our thing."

Kakashi hunched his shoulders as he walked beside Iruka, hurrying back to his home. The ANBU flitted above them, unseen, their chakra-signature muted to a mere background hum. Kakashi, who was dressed more simply than he had been yesterday, but in the same traditional style, kept eyeing Iruka surreptitiously. As a teenager, he'd had exactly one crush, and it had been on Rin. He'd never told her, never made any indication of his awkward feelings; when they had returned home without Obito, their relationship had settled into something painfully platonic. She had never left his side when the Uchiha had gazed on him with burning, accusing eyes; she had been his truest friend in that time.

Now, as he watched Iruka, he felt something similar to his crush on Rin, except that it felt more focused, more defined. He wanted to hold Iruka's hand, but Iruka held himself very rigidly, almost leaning away from Kakashi. Kakashi frowned, and frowned even harder when Iruka stopped at the front of Kakashi's apartment block, and gave all indications that he would not be going any further today.

"I have to go home," he said, simply. "I have a mission to prepare for."

"No, wait." Kakashi finally grabbed him by the wrist, holding him in a very loose grip. He didn't want Iruka to go, but he also didn't want to force him to stay. There was something warm burning in his throat and chest as Iruka fixed his dark gaze on Kakashi's face. "I... stay?"

He felt more unsettled than he'd ever been as a real teenager. Iruka's mouth twisted, and then he sighed.

"I really should know better," he said, as he twisted his wrist out of Kakashi's hold and trudged towards the entry of the housing block in the same manner one would walk towards the gallows. "I just can't seem to say no to you. I should learn some technique to counter your puppy-eye jutsu."

"I don't have a puppy-eye jutsu!" Kakashi claimed, grinning behind his mask as he climbed the stairs just behind Iruka. "Well...Pakkun _did_ teach me a face he used when he wanted to mount--"

Iruka's hand slashed hastily through the air in a negating motion. "I thought I told you not to tell me that story."

Kakashi's grin grew wide enough to nearly split his head in half. "Oh. I must have forgotten."

-|-

"Here." Kakashi handed Iruka a dusty bottle of beer, which Iruka eyed doubtfully. "I found them in the back of the cupboard," he said as he folded himself next to Iruka, tucking against his side. Iruka didn't seem to mind too much, so Kakashi cuddled closer.

"How long have you had this?" Iruka asked, pulling up his knees as he sat on the large cushion Kakashi had dragged out of a lower closet to act as a sofa, his back against the wall. He took a cautious sip and then raised his eyebrows. "Hey. Not too bad."

"I thought I didn't like beer," Kakashi said after he sipped some from his own bottle. "But it seems like I do. Maybe you had something to do with that."

Iruka took a longer look at the bottle and then laughed slightly. "Yes, you're right. This is the brand I usually drink. I've influenced you for the better, I guess."

"It seems like you're the better part of my life in everything," Kakashi said, softly, and smiled. Iruka glanced at him and licked his lips.

"I wouldn't say that." Iruka inhaled, deeply. " _You_ shouldn't say that, either. Kakashi--"

He blinked as Kakashi took the bottle out of his hand, placing both their drinks on the ground beside him. Kakashi leaned in and paused when Iruka went in the wrong direction: _away_ from him, that is.

"What is it?" Kakashi asked, tamping down on his nervousness and disappointment.

"You don't want to do this," Iruka said. He sounded strained, as if he forcing the words passing through his throat. "Trust me."

"I _do_ want to." Kakashi checked all internal thought-processes. Yes, everything seemed to be in unanimous approval of this proposed procedure. "I really want to. We're together, and I've never wanted anything more."

"You need to know--" Iruka tried, but then Kakashi ducked in even faster, and their lips collided a bit painfully. They both made muffled groans of amused pain and Iruka drew back just an inch, then slanted his head for a return to Kakashi's mouth. Kakashi breathed in the taste of him mixed with beer, and then moaned at how _good_ the kiss was turning out to be. Iruka licked at Kakashi's lips, did things with his tongue that got Kakashi hard and panting; he slid down and pulled at Iruka until he was lying on his back, and Iruka was atop him, matching hardness between their legs rubbing against each other. Kakashi heard someone making soft, eager noises and was only slightly surprised to discover it was himself.

Iruka reached between them, yanking up the heavy cloth of Kakashi's garments and letting his fingers trail against the flat hardness of Kakashi's stomach. Kakashi wrapped his long legs around Iruka's waist, rolling up his hips invitingly. Iruka grabbed a handful of Kakashi's hair, tugging his head back back so he could suck at what seemed to be a particularly delectable spot at the side of Kakashi's neck. Two could play that game, and so Kakashi didn't hesitate to yank the tie out of Iruka's hair, burying both hands in the soft strands; he used his hands to guide Iruka's face back to his, sinking into a kiss that felt both new and familiar at once.

His entire body was tingling with anticipation, and he wriggled a hand between their chests, in order to unzip Iruka's flak-jacket. The sound of it seemed to ignite something in Iruka, for he was suddenly on his feet, two feet away from Kakashi and increasing the distance. Confused, Kakashi went up on his elbows, watching Iruka put his hair back into the requisite ponytail and tug his clothes back from where Kakashi had pulled them awry. He noticed that Iruka's hands were shaking.

"Iruka?"

"When you remember everything tomorrow, and I'm sure you _will_ , just...don't think of me badly." Iruka was at the door, clutching the doorknob as if it was a lifeline. "Please."

If Kakashi really wanted to, he could be over there beside Iruka in the blink of any eye, but he remained where he was. Whatever was going on, it was weighing down on Iruka's shoulders so much that they slumped dejectedly.

"You don't love me," Kakashi hazarded, his imagination taking off again. His sensei always said that for a person that seemed to have such an overly rigid character, he possessed a surprisingly fanciful side. "Have we've broken up before?"

Iruka laughed, the sound raw to Kakashi's ears. "I've told you before that I don't have words to describe how I feel. And I would be a fool to break up with you." He swallowed hard and said, "Goodbye," before wrenching the door open and escaping into the night like a criminal.

When the door slammed into its frame, Kakashi stared at its worn surface for a long time.

-|-

Wearing the hakama had been sort of fun, like being on holiday from himself for a little while. The morning after Iruka had run away as if Kakashi had had some drastic plague, Kakashi put on his uniform, layering protective mesh undershirt under black clothing, carefully winding his wrappings around ankles and thigh before tugging on gloves, sandals and smoothing the mask over his face. He tried to remove every thought of Iruka from his mind, keeping the surface of his thoughts smooth and blank. When he opened the door, he was unsurprised to see an ANBU standing across the hall.

"Iruka-sensei has gone on a mission, Sempai," the ANBU informed him, voice soft and genderless behind their mask. "I was asked to take his place this morning."

"I know." Kakashi stuck his hands in his pockets and strolled off in the direction of the stairs. Behind him, the ANBU followed with barely a sound. "But you don't have to accompany me," Kakashi threw over his shoulder. "Report back to the Godaime. Inform her that my sessions with Yamanaka-san are almost complete."

"Yes, Sempai," the ANBU murmured, and did as they were told. Kakashi made his way over to T&I, settling in his regular chair even before Inoichi entered the room.

Inoichi acknowledged his presence with a quick nod and then, to Kakashi's annoyance, simply looked at him with a considering gaze for a few minutes.

"Do you know what I like about Iruka-sensei?" he finally asked, and Kakashi could not prevent a scowl over this non-sequitur. "He knows so many people, and so many know him--"

"So you like him because he's popular," Kakashi said, flatly. "Coming from you, that sounds about right."

"If you would allow me to finish." Inoichi's tone was very cool. "You'd think that, because he knows so many people, he wouldn't have time to think about one person. But when he's with you, he's _with you_ , all the way. Do you understand?"

Kakashi shook his head, and Inoichi lifted his shoulders in a quick shrug. "I don't know how to explain it better, then. I like him because he remembers who you are."

Kakashi said, "That makes no sense, Inoichi. I'd like to finish these sessions today, if you don't mind."

Inoichi gave him a long, disappointed stare. Kakashi just return the gaze, keeping his withering; Inoichi shook his head, and then approached, reaching out his hand to rest on Kakashi's brow.

With his patient help, Kakashi unwrapped the final set of hidden memories, and stumbled upon his knowledge of Iruka.

-|-

Kakashi had to wait fourteen days for Iruka to return from his mission; fourteen days that started out with seething, betrayed anger, barely covered with a thin veneer of nonchalance. Tsunade-sama sent him out on minor missions, duties he could do while on auto-pilot. After the anger burned itself out, he found lots of heavy-duty introspection in its place, tinged with an unusual brand of worry over Iruka's absence.

When Iruka trudged into his own flat on a rainy evening, he seemed as if he had fully expected to find a tall, grey-haired jounin sitting on his couch and pretending to read one of Iruka's collection of weirdly long autobiographies.

Kakashi snapped the book shut and stared at his friend's exhausted expression. Water dripped steadily down Iruka's face, and out his sadly drooping ponytail, rolling in rivulets down his long, black cloak.

He dropped his pack on the floor and said, "Kakashi, could you kill me in the morning? I'm very tired right now," and trudged past the living area on his way to the bathroom. Kakashi stood up, and Iruka stopped walking, presenting his side defensively.

Kakashi exhaled sharply through his nostrils. "I thought," he said, "that we made a deal. We never say 'goodbye' when going on missions."

Iruka blinked at him. "What?"

"We're friends," Kakashi said, enunciating very crisply. " _Best friends_ , I've heard. Wouldn't you say?"

Iruka kept blinking, water droplets glimmering in his eyelashes, but Kakashi _remembered_. He recalled the easy and natural state into which their friendship had evolved; how everyone expressed surprise that the cool jounin and the warm teacher got along so famously, so much so that Iruka was dangerously singled out on missions just because he was the close friend of the Copy Nin. Kakashi had felt confusingly elated to have Iruka as his friend; it wasn't like Guy, who made life interestingly insane, or Tenzō, who was sometimes a little too stern...or even Genma, who sometimes wasn't stern enough. Iruka fit perfectly, and _felt_ right, yet still managed to throw everything into confusion that night Kakashi had gone out on the mission that nearly wiped his memory clean.

"You lied to me," Kakashi said now, keeping his voice as level as possible. Iruka shook his head.

"No, I--"

"You said we were in a relationship. As in, romantically involved."

"I didn't!" Iruka clenched his fists, and scowled. " _You_ were the one who made all these assumptions."

Kakashi clenched his own fists in his pockets. "And _you_ made no effort to correct said assumptions."

Iruka's hands trembled and his fingers uncurled, slowly. He kept his gaze locked with Kakashi's, emotions laid bare in much the same way they'd been when he'd told Kakashi how he _really_ felt about him.

Iruka had stopped Kakashi before he exited through Konoha's tall main gates, drawing him into a shadowed alley and speaking in halting, almost pained tones. Kakashi clearly recalled staring at him incredulously, noting the way Iruka's hair curled at his neck, and how sweet and open his face was.

He remembered mumbling something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I feel the same," before turning away from Iruka's frozen expression and hurrying out to his duty. It was not quite the truth; Kakashi simply had no idea what he should have been feeling at the moment, when faced with the reality of Iruka's intense gaze, as if Kakashi was the center of something immeasurably important.

 _I don't have words_ , Iruka had told him, smiling gently, _to tell you how much I feel for you, Kakashi_ , but he had had more words than Kakashi ever possessed.

Iruka was speaking now, and Kakashi hauled his mind out of his own memories, with some difficulty.

"I didn't mean to...betray you," Iruka said, picking his way slowly through the words. He pressed the heel of one hand to his temple for a moment, grimacing like one with a massive headache. "I couldn't help it, Kakashi. Without your memories, you were so different and yet... the same. It was all I ever wanted. And then you kissed me and it was --" He shook his head and closed his eyes briefly. "That's no excuse. I'm sorry, so very sorry." He bit his lip and concentrated on a patch of floor next to Kakashi's toes. "This sounds stupid, but I hope we can be friends again. One day, I mean."

Kakashi said, " _What_?" and he might have snapped out the word a bit more harshly than he intended, for Iruka flinched. Then he lifted his chin, bravely meeting Kakashi's eyes.

"I hoped we can go back to being friends, you and I." His voice was steady, even though his expression was stricken. "It might be impossible because of what I've done but...I would rather have you as my friend than nothing at all."

"What if I _don't_ feel like being friends with you?" Kakashi asked. Iruka swallowed hard, but nodded.

"Then...I would respect that completely," he said, and said nothing else, even though Kakashi expected more. They stood there in a thick silence, the sound of dripping water impossibly loud.

"How did you feel when you found out about the status of the mission I was on?" Kakashi asked suddenly.

Without a beat, Iruka said, "I was worried."

"About what?" Kakashi wanted to take a step closer, but he restrained himself.

Iruka gave him a confused look, but answered steadily. "About you getting killed. About never seeing you again."

"And if I came back and still wasn't interested in being more than friends?"

"Are you interested _now_?" Iruka asked, and there was a hopeful glimmer in his eyes. It muted immediately when Kakashi pulled one hand out of its warm pocket and made a sharp motion in air.

"Just answer the question, Iruka."

Iruka rolled his shoulders and sighed. "Again, I'd rather have you as my friend than nothing at all."

"Just friends," Kakashi confirmed.

"Just friends." Iruka sounded exhausted. Kakashi wasn't quite done with him yet.

"And if I got into a relationship with someone else, would you still be my friend then? Could you stand that?"

Instead of the hope flaring in Iruka's eyes, his entire expression went carefully barren, cool and removed.

"No," he said through lips that barely seemed to move. "I wouldn't be able to stand it, but I suppose I would have to. For you."

"As my friend," Kakashi confirmed.

Iruka flared abruptly; to anyone else, the switch from emotionally distant to an impressive display of pique would have been unsettling. To Kakashi, it was like watching something happen in his own mirror, it was that comfortably familiar.

"Damn it, yes, as your _friend_ ," Iruka snapped. "Even if it kills me, _as your friend_. If that's what you want, then I'll take it." He gave his pack a vicious kick, threw an even more vicious glare at Kakashi and stalked off towards his bathroom.

Kakashi smiled. He raised his hands, moved his fingers through symbols and flickered from his position to right in front of Iruka's bathroom door. He bent his head as soon as he teleported, and Iruka walked right into a kiss.

"Mmmf." Iruka tried to talk past the seal of their lips, then gave up. He raised his hands, placing them on Kakashi's chest as if he wanted to push him away, but he simply grasped the collar of Kakashi's flak-jacket, hauling him impossibly closer. Mouths slanted against each other again, and again, pulling soft noises out of the both of them.

Kakashi broke the kiss first, resting his forehead against Iruka's. His forehead was damp

"I didn't know what to think," he said, very quietly. "When you told me that night, about how _you_ felt. All I knew is that I didn't want to lose my best friend. One of the few persons who knows how I really am, and still wants to be around me." Kakashi inhaled, and exhaled slowly. "Losing my memories stripped me of a lot of... _unnecessary fears_."

Iruka's eyes, far too close, were wide and intent. Inoichi had been right; for all the people he knew, Iruka always seemed to focus completely on Kakashi when they were together. It was obviously just the way he was made, but Kakashi knew that he revelled in Iruka's attention. He _demanded_ it time and again, and Iruka always indulged him, as a friend should.

"Can I keep my best friend?" Kakashi asked and Iruka smiled at him, slow and warm.

"Of course."

"And maybe...something more?"

"Kakashi," Iruka whispered, still smiling as he leaned against Kakashi fully, all warm, strong body and wet skin. "You can have it all."

_fin_   


* * *

  
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.   
_~The Wonder Years_

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  :D :D
> 
> In this round, [](http://senna_chan.livejournal.com/profile)[**senna-chan**](http://senna_chan.livejournal.com/) wrote [Rumor Has It](http://kakairu-fest.livejournal.com/57062.html) for me. I really like it, because it hits on that friends theme that I really love, and I even tried to write about in my own entry.
> 
> I actually had the start of this fic written somewhere, and not able to continue it because I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. As soon as I saw [](http://tucuxi.livejournal.com/profile)[**tucuxi**](http://tucuxi.livejournal.com/)'s request, I think it was so easy to write the rest of it. It was like that little stub of a start had been waiting for the prompt.
> 
> It's harder for me to write Kakashi, because I don't feel I have a good handle on his mindframe. The best Kakashi I know comes from [](http://txilar.livejournal.com/profile)[**txilar**](http://txilar.livejournal.com/), and I always want to emulate that characterization, but I never quite get it. I think her Kakashi is simply perfect. Writing this Kakashi was easier, though, because of the whole amnesia thing; basically, I had a blank slate and I could do what I liked.
> 
> [](http://txilar.livejournal.com/profile)[ **txilar**](http://txilar.livejournal.com/) said that the way I'd written it, people might go back and read it over, armed with new knowledge of Iruka's actions. I really hope that was the result!


End file.
